I don't feel like a mother anymore that is my
biggest problem. I think the
pain of not being able to be a mom and not having
my children with me,
compounded with the way my ex-husband
has pushed me out of their lives, I have kind of
retracted. It is kind of
like I don't want to feel any of the mother things
at all anymore. It is just too
My children seem almost dead to me at times for I
grieve in much the same way - at least what we once
were is like dead perhaps that is what I grieve for,
will never have it back. The pain of being alone
is too great. The pain of
what I feel the system has done to me and my
children is too great. When I
go home, I have to spend the hours there alone
remembering what life was once like.
I hate and have lost respect for the system. I
hate my ex-husband (lost respect for him long ago). I
am helpless to ever win and that
is just the way it is and that is one of the most
difficult things I have ever had to accept. No one
really cares and for those who can change the laws
(and I have written to many) the issue is too hot and
they all back away. All they want is their money -
and no matter how hard I fight nothing ever will
change because the only
ones who can change the laws are driven by the
monetary rewards of not
changing the system.
I don't know how to explain this to you. The pain
of my situation with my
children has become so burdensome that I don't want
to feel like a mother
anymore. As soon as I let myself feel like that -
the pain comes back
because I am not a mother anymore, not in the way
that I was and I will never be again. Who could bear
such pain and survive?. It is
better to not allow myself to feel anything for my
children then to be in constant agony. I do not want
to remember what it is like to have children.
Sometimes I wish that I had none, never had any,
been barren or so ugly no
one would have ever wanted to make one with me and
then I would be alone
just like I am now but I would not be in pain.
I will never resolve it, absolve it - get rid of
it. It is what I live
with every day of my life. I am not a part of my
Love I can
feel and have - the love of my children - although I can
feel it I can not have
it. To feel it is too painful to live with.
Other children remind me of what I no longer have -
of the little faces of
my children I will never see again. Other children
remind me of the things
I will never have again. Can you understand the
I don't know if you can understand this - perhaps I
am caught in my own trap
but this is where I am.
Writing this makes me deal with the things inside
of me. I would rather not feel.
Because I still do feel, and even writing
this has brought tears to
my eyes and these eyes of mine are tired of crying.
you like to become Part of REAL Parents Mailing List if so Enter your
Email address to subscribe
Please join the mailing list, enter your e-mail address.
sign our Guest book You are important to us.